Does this make sense to anyone?

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Does this make sense to anyone?

Post by Connie on Tue May 18, 2010 3:33 pm

It sucks because my dh is very close to his mom and loves being in close contact with all his family.

The other night my mil posted on FB that a friend had asked if she knew where the clothing optional hot tubs were. Did anyone know where they were. (these would be hot tubs made from natural hot springs)

Her cousin posted back saying to tell her or him to get a hot tub and put it in backyard for privacy.

I posted back that I agreed with the cousin.. "tell her to get a hot tub AND an enclosed fence. I don't understand exhibitionists, have you SEEN some of those people? They need a reality pill"

MIL posts back something about each person having their own reality.

Next thing you know, sil jumps in with something like "mom me and you are the only fun free woman in this family, too many others need to get the corn cobs out of their butts. Mom and her boyfriend can come use our apt hot tub". (ohhh I get it.. it's mil who wants to go hot tub naked.. not a friend after all)

Now at this point I get a little po'ed.. WTH? The more I think about it.. the more upset I get and tell my dh, this is ridiculous.. If I agree with the cousin.. "I'M" the bad person? If dh posts something.. it's cute and funny and no problem.

So then another cousin posts that he thinks he knows where they are but that the last he went there were a lot of kids running around so wear swim suits.

I jump in again and not being happy but still trying to keep it lighthearted, tell him to be careful or he might be accused of having corn cobs up his butt. It's all about being fun and free, who cares about the kids.

Sil then posts that Im being assinine and they aren't stupid enough to go bathing naked in front of kids. (apparently, she missed the lightheartedness but not that I was angry)

So next thing I know I get this PM from sil: I know what your doing, and so do you with all your sarcastic remarks geared towards my mother and i'm the only one who sticks up for her. My mom has done nothing to you, that woman wouldn't hurt a fly. She moved down here for support and to be around her kids and you can't even empathize for what she's been through. She sure as Hell ain't the one stirring the pot. So my sugesstion to you is back the Hell off my mother. Son of a bitch she is your mother-in-law and has shown your family nothing butt Love. I cannot believe you have nothing better to do with your life than to pick on an old woman"

Nothing but love for my family? Now that part cracks me up. She never even bothered to wish me a happy birthday earlier this month. She hasn't bothered to say congratulations to my dd on her college graduation. EVERY weekend she makes sure to spend a lot of time with sil's kids and grandkids on that side.. In the the year or so that she has been back here, Katie was invited to ONE sleepover with the girl cousins. Before they left for the sleepover one of the cousins mentioned that they were bringing Katie home early in the morning so the rest of them could go have "girls day". She is ALWAYS pulling this crap with Katie and we were done with her before the other night because of it.

Still I have tried to keep the peace for dh's sake but the other night when all this was going on. I was just livid and told him.. ENOUGH already

To give some perspective.. after getting the PM, we discovered that she had removed our family as fb friends from her fb and her kids fb pages.. AND.. mil not only removed myself and dh but also KATIE.. what kind of grandma removes her 9 year old granddaughter?

I told dh if he wanted I would appologize but he said "he** no!".. still I feel bad.

Thoughts?
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Re: Does this make sense to anyone?

Post by edbson on Tue May 18, 2010 3:57 pm

I would call it cutting ties, and be done.

Seriously, How old is your MIL? I mean, if she looks like Cher then by all means go naked....there is good naked and BAD naked.

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Re: Does this make sense to anyone?

Post by Connie on Tue May 18, 2010 4:15 pm

She is about 5'3 around 200lbs and 63. It really wasn't about who should go naked or not. More about WHY they were attacking me and shut us all out. Why do they perceive that my first response was any worse than the cousin who said to get a hot tub?

In an earlier post the same mil and said she wouldn't be on because she had a date with a convertible and a mustache.. Really how appropriate is that with her grandkids reading? It did annoy me and I told dh it would be mean but that I should post something like "you shouldn't wax and drive".

He said to do it under his account so I did.. her response? "cute, real cute".. Now if "I" had done it under my account? Woo boy.. crap would have hit the fan at THAT point instead.
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Re: Does this make sense to anyone?

Post by KellyM on Tue May 18, 2010 4:20 pm

Whatever beef MIL or SIL have with you, it shows how childish they are that they have to take it out on Katie by removing her from their FB friends..they should be ashamed...
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Re: Does this make sense to anyone?

Post by edbson on Tue May 18, 2010 4:22 pm

I agree, childish and immature. I am not even really sure what to think of it, ......

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Re: Does this make sense to anyone?

Post by thebigscott on Tue May 18, 2010 6:05 pm

Connie wrote:What kind of grandma removes her 9 year old granddaughter?

The kind you don't need in your family. That kind of response was immature, stupid, and downright mean. Cut your ties and cut your losses. And you WON'T be coming between your husband and his mom. Not unless you forbid him from calling, facebooking, or visiting. Just take yourself and your daughter out of the mix.
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Re: Does this make sense to anyone?

Post by tara on Tue May 18, 2010 8:39 pm

I would be fuming.
I agree with Karen, Obviously anyone who would remove their grandchild over something so petty sounds like less than a positive influence on her anyway. My MIL kinda does that same with my kids... they can only participate in certain things, for so long (while the nephews are constantly going places and doing things with them).... thankfully my parents more than make up for it... but they are KIDS... they know and it hurts them. It's not fair. Neither she or your SIL seem like a big loss.
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Re: Does this make sense to anyone?

Post by Connie on Tue May 18, 2010 9:23 pm

Karen I know you are right in that "I" wont be coming between them unless I forbid him to have anything to do with her.

However that's a big problem for me.. WHY should she get the benefits of seeing katies pics and her great grandbabies pics (which she needs ONE of us in order to see) or have the privilege of knowing what is going on in our lives (a big deal to her), if she is going to shun us all? When she deleted HIM from her facebook.. doesn't that say something?

Before we knew we were ALL deleted, I am embarressed to say that I was so angry that I told him.. no more.. don't have anything to do with her.. and that he needed to support US and that I was sick of her knowing everytime one of us sneezed.. (okay not literally but it felt that way sometimes)..

So I did lay down the law and I can easily take it back and explain I was upset and that he is free to do what he wants.. BUT.. I don't feel like it is right. If she doesn't want anything to do with us, she doesn't need to see pics of my kids and grandbabies.. she doesn't need to know what we are doing or where we are going or how the kids are doing.. she doesn't need to know what dh's dad is up to.. (she LOVES keeping up with what is going on with her ex if that gives you any idea of how nosy she is)
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Re: Does this make sense to anyone?

Post by bizzeedee on Wed May 19, 2010 12:09 am

I wonder why this type of question would even be posted to beging with on FB, know you're grandchild has access to it? I agree... cut those ties... MIL (and the rest of the family) sound like people I wouldn't want my child around!
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Re: Does this make sense to anyone?

Post by thebigscott on Wed May 19, 2010 12:31 am

Connie wrote:Karen I know you are right in that "I" wont be coming between them unless I forbid him to have anything to do with her.

However that's a big problem for me.. WHY should she get the benefits of seeing katies pics and her great grandbabies pics (which she needs ONE of us in order to see) or have the privilege of knowing what is going on in our lives (a big deal to her), if she is going to shun us all? When she deleted HIM from her facebook.. doesn't that say something?

Before we knew we were ALL deleted, I am embarressed to say that I was so angry that I told him.. no more.. don't have anything to do with her.. and that he needed to support US and that I was sick of her knowing everytime one of us sneezed.. (okay not literally but it felt that way sometimes)..

So I did lay down the law and I can easily take it back and explain I was upset and that he is free to do what he wants.. BUT.. I don't feel like it is right. If she doesn't want anything to do with us, she doesn't need to see pics of my kids and grandbabies.. she doesn't need to know what we are doing or where we are going or how the kids are doing.. she doesn't need to know what dh's dad is up to.. (she LOVES keeping up with what is going on with her ex if that gives you any idea of how nosy she is)

If I'm being perfectly honest, I would ask my husband to keep me and the kids out of his conversations with his mom, but I wouldn't ask him never to talk to her. I'd ask that he not bring us up in conversation and if she asks about us to only say we're 'fine' or something else that doesn't invade our privacy and change the subject. But I know I couldn't ever ask anyone to cut ties with a parent completely. I see that sort of thing abused too often, with young women whose boyfriends try to keep them from their family. But I don't think there's a thing wrong with you asking him to not talk to his mom about you and the kids. (If you do that, probably the easiest way to not go insane about it is to also try not to be nearby when he's talking to her. It would drive me crazy to overhear his half of the phone conversation.) And I wouldn't be surprised if he chooses not to talk to her much at all. If she's that big of a pain, I can't imagine he looks forward to it.
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Re: Does this make sense to anyone?

Post by thebigscott on Wed May 19, 2010 12:35 am

Oh, and I didn't mean to imply that YOU were taking it too far or asking him to cut ties just to isolate him like those skanky boyfriends do. I just meant that I've seen too many people abuse it and so it's left a big impact on me and I can't see me asking Scott (my DH) to cut ties no matter how justified it was. Your MIL definitely crossed the line and I don't blame you a bit for wanting it to stop. It just isn't something I can see myself doing.
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Re: Does this make sense to anyone?

Post by chelle on Wed May 19, 2010 8:53 am

I guess since I have no problem cutting ties with my own mother, I see it as easy- just walk away. its amazing how much better you feel when the weight is lifted.


Oh and make sure your pics are posted as only friends can see them.
Not friends of friends.

and yes, I'd be a little grossed out about the nekid thing. and not real sure I want my kids to know the 'grandma is into exibitionism... Especially a girl who is going into the tween years. what you see from your elders is what you are likely to think is okay.

AND if she goes to posting pics of herself in a bikini, and katies friends could see them, it might embarress her. - hell it would me- and I'm 34. LOL


I do get along good with all of BR's people. and humor is hard to get across on the net, but they seem to have not wanted to look for humor IN what you said, instead they jumped right into the 'your being rude' section.

Hell, when BR's aunt put up that she was married after a year on FB. (she's been married to the same guy since she was 16, and she is now like ... 62) I wrote: Its about damn time he married you- did he lay claim to the kids too? or just make an honest woman out of you? LOL"

and my SIL posted " yeah- you finally learned to hold out to get what you wanted and why wernt we invited? "


a few other friends poked fun or whatever, then some idiot gets on there and says "oh they've been married, and the kids were born legitimate, she just might not have known how to put it on there"... seriously?? do you think we need to be told?

It seems like they want a reason to screw with you. I'd just wash my hands of it and walk away. Let hubby see her if he so chooses, but make sure that you are not involoved in any of it.

One time when FIL and I had a disagreement, I didnt speak to him for years. Spoke to everyone else, but not him, didnt even go over there. Spoke to MIL on the phone everyday. always have. But BR didnt even feel the need to go over. it was never spoken about, I just decided I wasnt going to play the game. It worked out well. eventually, FIL realized, and brought himself over. that was fine. we are good now, matter of fact, I'm the only one who does stuff for them (fix plumbing, electric, help with septics etc and the only one who takes him to the Dr, sits with him through tests, the whole nine yards) and he does appriciate it. He has told me so- and for him, thats a big step.

But, he realized that there is a line with me you dont cross. same with a SIL. She is one of my best friends now, but, pulled a 'bitch' one time. It didnt work out in her favor. AT ALL. I'm not always right, but dont put up with moodyness or rudeness. in anyone. I'd just as soon not see you as I had deal with an asshole.

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Re: Does this make sense to anyone?

Post by Connie on Wed May 19, 2010 11:46 pm

Thanks everyone! Karen I took your advice.. Told him I was sorry and that I didn't have the right to say "don't talk to your mom".. that I didn't mind if he talked to her but to leave me and the kids out of it and to please not offer up pics of us or the kids or babies. I also explained that I couldn't imagine being in his shoes and that if it was my mom who had turned our nine year old away I personally wouldn't want anything to do with her but that I wasn't him. (I guess that is the part I don't understand.. WHY would anyone want to have anything to do with a someone who did that to their kid?)

Anyway.. he understood and I think he was grateful to not have to worry about it or to have that weight off his shoulders but he did say he hasn't talked to her in days and will never understand why she treats us so much differently than she does his sister and her kids.. At least he SEE's the difference.. I guess that is all I can hope for.

Thank you all for your support and advice.. it's MUCH appreciated.. I really needed to talk about it and vent and it's just too much for my dh to talk about.
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Re: Does this make sense to anyone?

Post by thebigscott on Thu May 20, 2010 12:07 am

I'm glad that you found a middle ground. I'm crossing my fingers that it's a workable solution for both you and your DH. And I'll bet it that it will reduce stress between the two of you. You won't have to deal with his mom at all, and he won't have to feel like he's forced to choose between two people he loves.

Was she always like this? My FIL had a series of strokes and became mean. I didn't like being around him and neither did Scott, but it was worse on Scott because he could remember all the good things about how his dad used to be. He said his dad always had a mean streak, but there was more to him than just an ass. Then after the strokes all that was left was the bad stuff without any of the good stuff that had been there when Scott was younger.

Maybe that's why your husband doesn't cut ties. It may be that he's not loyal to the person she is now, but to the woman who he loved when he was younger.

Either way, I'm glad you won't have to deal with her any longer. You and Katie shouldn't have to put up with that crap.
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Re: Does this make sense to anyone?

Post by amybeccaz on Thu May 20, 2010 9:43 am

Oh man, what a pickle!! Just out of curiousity.... do you think it was your SIL that removed the family & Katie from the mil's page?
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Re: Does this make sense to anyone?

Post by Connie on Thu May 27, 2010 11:41 pm

Im sure it was Amy. With mother in laws blessing. Mil can't even run her farmville without help let alone figure out the privacy settings on FB.
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Re: Does this make sense to anyone?

Post by Connie on Mon May 31, 2010 12:15 am

Update: Get this... Last night I almost lost my mind over it.. after all this crap.. mil sends me an email.. she sent it to me, a cousin on my hubbys side and her brother.. all about the cemeteries her and grandma visited along with pics..

Ask yourself why... I did.. One of the cemeteries was her ex husbands fathers.. my husbands grandfather.. AND the cousins grandfather... no she doesn't have an agenda... bullcrap! She is trying to make sure it gets back to her ex that she visited his fathers grave.. she has NO other reason to visit it and NO reason to let me or the cousin know..

I tried but wasn't able to keep my mouth shut... Cut out our entire family but send me an email to say you visited your ex father in laws grave??? I just couldn't deal with it and poor hubby had to hear about his mother yet again.. Why can't she just leave me alone? She already pushed us away so WHY try to come back this way?

Im telling you.. she is going to be the death of me.. I SOOO want to say something and my horoscope today said it was time to speak up.. haha
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