can you see the steam coming out of my ears?

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can you see the steam coming out of my ears?

Post by tara on Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:41 pm

UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Why is it, that at 28.... 13 years after I was thrown out "left" home (yup that is right I was 15) my parents can still piss me off to the point I want I just want to bang my head against the wall?

Karen... please read my blog (because I am too lazy to write it all again) and tell me what you think. You are so level headed and I just don't know what to do.

Anyone have any advice on how to deal with them that benefits everyone short of just letting them continue to blantly disreagrd my thoughts and feelings and undermind the kind of lifestyle I want my kids to have?

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Re: can you see the steam coming out of my ears?

Post by aundrea2u on Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:51 pm

i just read your blog and sadly I was in your situation I was kicked out at 15 as well and sadly you may not like this but I think your parents are right. spoiling grandkids is their right and honestly nothing terrible will ever come of this unless your daughter is with them every day. Relax and let your parents enjoy the grandparent feeling.
As for the car seat I would just explain that you noticed they were to loose (maybe its how they take it off) I know my mother in law loosens them to take my kids out cause she thinks its how your supposed to do it.

Grandchildren are true medicine for grandparents let them enjoy their grand babies cause one day they will be gone and you will be wishing they were around to spoil your daughter.


Hope this doesn't offend you its just my view point

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Re: can you see the steam coming out of my ears?

Post by Rebecca1340 on Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:52 pm

I can see why you're pissed. I'm pissed for you!

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Re: can you see the steam coming out of my ears?

Post by Rebecca1340 on Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:00 pm

aundrea2u wrote:i just read your blog and sadly I was in your situation I was kicked out at 15 as well and sadly you may not like this but I think your parents are right. spoiling grandkids is their right and honestly nothing terrible will ever come of this unless your daughter is with them every day. Relax and let your parents enjoy the grandparent feeling.
As for the car seat I would just explain that you noticed they were to loose (maybe its how they take it off) I know my mother in law loosens them to take my kids out cause she thinks its how your supposed to do it.

Grandchildren are true medicine for grandparents let them enjoy their grand babies cause one day they will be gone and you will be wishing they were around to spoil your daughter.


Hope this doesn't offend you its just my view point
I have to disagree and hopefully won't offend you! Spoiling grandchildren isn't a right, it's a privilege. What they're doing is undermining all of Tara's work to eat healthier -- we all know that it's easier to fall into the habit of eating poorly than it is to eat healthy foods! It's also disrespectful to her as a parent if they completely disregard her requests every weekend. If they really want to spoil their granddaughter, why not take her to the park for the day or make a special trip to the zoo. She'll remember those times much more fondly after they're gone than she will sitting on a couch eating junk.

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Re: can you see the steam coming out of my ears?

Post by tara on Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:16 pm

aundrea2u wrote:i just read your blog and sadly I was in your situation I was kicked out at 15 as well and sadly you may not like this but I think your parents are right. spoiling grandkids is their right and honestly nothing terrible will ever come of this unless your daughter is with them every day. Relax and let your parents enjoy the grandparent feeling.
As for the car seat I would just explain that you noticed they were to loose (maybe its how they take it off) I know my mother in law loosens them to take my kids out cause she thinks its how your supposed to do it.

Grandchildren are true medicine for grandparents let them enjoy their grand babies cause one day they will be gone and you will be wishing they were around to spoil your daughter.


Hope this doesn't offend you its just my view point

No it doesn't offend me but they have her two- three days a week, if it was every now and then I would say go for it but they want to have her on a reguloar basis and for that reason I expect them to respect my wishes. I know shot would have hit the fan if it was my gramma not doing what my mother wanted... all I want is the same respect. I have an issue with them thinking they need to buy/feed their way to her heart and it is just not necessary. I do agree with Rebecca.... it is a privledge not a right. At the end of the day I am the mother and I have every right to say I don't want my 4 year old filled up with shit. I am not a super health freak, I am not saying she can never have a cookie, but I want moderation and I want the bad habits (munching chips while watching tv) to end, there is no need for it to be a daily thing.... that sort of thing, at least to me is a special treat like watching a movie with a bowl of popcorn.

The car seat isn't even a question.... there is NO bending on my part on that... not even a little bit. Not buckling her correctly is completely irresponsible and I do NOT mess with my daughters safety no exceptions and on that one I don't care who I piss off. Perhaps I am anal, and if so that's okay.. more people should be. I am the person who will call the cops on you if I pass you and see your kids who obviously should be in car seats bouncing around the car, or a baby on a lap. I think it's neglectful and it's endangering their welfare.

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Re: can you see the steam coming out of my ears?

Post by honcho on Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:23 pm

I would absolutely put your foot down. You are their mother. End of discussion. I agree with Rebecca that it is a privilege, not a right. I am thinking that your parents still see you (wrongly of course) as a 15 year old that doesnt know what she is doing. They are YOUR kids not theirs. If it was me I would sit them down and say here are my rules. If she is going to come over these rules need to be followed. I would allow a bit of spoiling as a treat, ok one dessert IF a healthy dinner is served etc.

Somehow you need to present it as them "helping" you to teach a healthy life style. Maybe they wont see it as an attack. Also the more level headed (not arguing) the better.

I still have this wonderful visual of my younger brother holding his daughter (the first grand baby) out to our mother and saying "my baby, myyyyy baby!! Not the parent!!" he was saying it in a joking voice but in response to my mom saying he shouldn't be bouncing the baby like that. It was great!! And boy did she back off Smile

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Re: can you see the steam coming out of my ears?

Post by tara on Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:44 pm

I've tried that approach, the helping me teach and then the this is how it has to be approach as well. What kills me is my mother buys all this fat free, low fat food, runs on the treadmill, walks 5 miles and she just apparently can not see where I am coming from. She battles with her weight although she was a skinny skinny child. I just don't get it, instead she chooses to try to shame me for not wanting a fat kid. It isn't about the size of my kid... I want her to be healthy, and yes I want her to be a reasonable weight. It's a fact people feel better and have more energy when they eat right and teaching a 4 year old it's okay to eat nothing but junk is not okay with me. Yes it's true I don't want her to be fat. Not becuase I would love her any less (which seems to be what is implied) but because I WAS a fat kid... I was picked on and ridiculed and miserable because of it. I know she can not possible understand ho wdamaging that was to my self esteem but she could at least try. Of course I didn't know any better, no one taught me any better so my answer to that was to go eat some more. All I want is a better lifestyle for my own kids. I don't park them in front of the TV as a babysitter and I don't feed them junk just because they get upset if I say no. Sadly the above was how my mother raised us while she locked herself in her room and ignored us.

I think it was also implied that I was cruel for shutting of the satelite and not having cartoons for her 24 hours a day. Heck we barely get PBS with the rabbit ears. I think there are worse things in the world than not having cable TV.

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Re: can you see the steam coming out of my ears?

Post by chelle on Fri Jul 25, 2008 12:13 am

Tara,
I am with you 100%, and honestly, the ONLY thing that has EVER helped for me. ( and it doesnt help much, shit just slides back to what they THINK they should be able to do.) is to say "bite me"

You are right. its YOUR choice. I pissed my mom off tonight, because I came into her house and Rayley had a peice of gum. Not a big deal you say. She is 4. I have put 6 grand into her mouth ALREADY. She has the WORST teeth you have ever seen. She actually has porcilin crowns on all her front top teeth. Part of this is because its heridiatary. Part is because she doesnt have to brush her teeth at my MIL's. (cause she forgets). All my kids are the same.
BUT on top of that, I used to allow a piece of gum on occasion, but Rayley will spit it out anywhere. my truck, my carpet, stick it to a wall. And no amount of disipline has worked. so NO GUM.
WHne I told her to spit it out RIGHT then, my mom got all pissy. I told her, SHE knows better. 4 or 40. I have told her she cant have gum.

She was already mad because when I came in earlier (my mom kept them while I picked peas) she was INFRONT of the TV eating jelly toast. Now my boys are NOT allowed to eat in her living room, but rayley is differnt. I dont allow my children to eat in my living room. Like you said, its a privlidge not a gimme. Matter of fact, my kids dont get cartoons at my house. Unless I want to watch some bugs bunny. And she is still using a sippy over there. so she doesnt spill in the living room. Your right, get up and get a freakin drink.

My grandfather, he does the same thing, ignores me. So I blew the F-- up. I mean, I literly threw a running, screaming, fit one day, from one of his sisters houses to the other and then to my moms and finally to his. I was looking for my kids. AND the thing was my mom had them while I was at work. I LEFT work, came home and found my damn kids. He had ignored my directive that my children were NOT to be around his new step grandchildren AT ALL. no matter WHAT> I had given him my reasons. (the least of which is they are bipolar, have ADHD, are 4 times the size of mine, the youngest was kicked out of 2, 3, and 4th grades for throwing chairs and desks in class, AND the older one has all of that plus.... issues with another problem. one that resulted in me threatning his manhood him if he ever came close to my kids again. )
anyway, my GF went to my moms house, got the kids for a picnic and off they went to my greataunts house (all on the same road, same 50 acres.) I found out. Thats when I came unglued.
He had ignored me, blew off my reasons, and just done what he wanted. This had went on for months. After that he was not allowed to have my children over, ever, as long as that kid was there. and this time it stuck. Cause when I left work, explained to EVERYoNE exactly WHY I didnt want those two ... mental cases around my kids, (he had asked me not to mention the first incidences to anyone) He realized I was serious. Luckily the older kid has went to a mental ward or something, and the mom moved to another town so the younger one isnt around anymore. My grandfather was literly NEVER allowed to see my kids unless I was there. Cause that brat was ALWAYS there. Just lately he has been able to. They even spent the night last night with him. (and the woman he married).

Now he did try to sneak one over on me about a month ago, He picked my kids up here, to go to his sisters for ice cream. Well, he failed to mention Shane would be there (the youngest one, he is a year older than brett) I guess he thought enough time had passed and I had forgotten, well that kid pulled his same old crap, and Matt knocked the hell out of him, then went in the house and annouced what he had tried to do and when everyone was shocked he said "but its alright, I knocked the hell out of him". That was it. My grandfather called me and appologised. TOld me what happened, and said "I guess you were right" I really didnt belive it would happen".

You have EVERY right to do as you please with your kids. My family wants me to let my boys grow out their hair. NO. used to get mad cause I wont let the boys wear sandles. I explained to them, "they are MY kids, if I insist the boys wear nothing but purple, that is what they will wear. its that simple, buy sandles, I throw them away, same as I did the barney shit you bought"

I end up pissing them off, they dont speak to me for a few weeks, but they eventually come around. And they will start to listen. Thats all you have to do. Tell them the truth. You are NOT going to be pushed over. Cause in the end, YOU are the one paying the dental bill, You are the one dealing with upset tummys, and you will be dealing with why your 200 lb 4th grader cant wear a hannah montanna bikini like all her freinds. If, GOD FORBID, they dont get blindsided while running to McDonalds to grab a shake and fries and she end up paralized or worse.

Heck, they are lucky. I dont let my mother drive with my kids at all.

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Re: can you see the steam coming out of my ears?

Post by chelle on Fri Jul 25, 2008 12:16 am

Tara, I didnt read your last post beore I wrote all that, but the two points you made echo'd me. or I echo'd you. Smile

Tell them, my way or the highway. Its hard, and it will hurt, but honestly, I have always felt SOOO much better when I stood up and told the family to kiss off. They will come around. And dont think its petty for these 2 or 3 things to be the stuff that you are blowin gup about. Its just the straw that broke the camels back.

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Re: can you see the steam coming out of my ears?

Post by aundrea2u on Fri Jul 25, 2008 12:33 am

Okay i see your point cause they have your kids more then 1 night. Lay down the law or pre-pack meals for them. My in laws rarely see my kids without me or dh so we allow them to spoil them when they are alone which is maybe 1 time a month. If i read your blog properly my answer would have been different. I assumed they had then 1 night here and there.

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Re: can you see the steam coming out of my ears?

Post by Missy on Fri Jul 25, 2008 12:34 am

everyone else has said it. YOU are the mother and it is YOUR rules. I am lucky that my son's grandma's listen to my rules, BUT they only see him a few times a year. But with your parents getting her a few times a week, that is enough to take all that you are trying to teach her and blow it out the window. Thus, continuing the struggle of the weight. That cycle needs to be broken. And you have a way that you have chosen. You need to sit down with them and tell them that it is your way, or their visitations would be limited, or whatever else that you decide to do.

I wish you luck. I also left home at an early age, practically at 15 too, but officially (took everything and moved out) at 17. My Mom for awhile did see me at that rebellious 17 year old for some time, but once I was able to show her that I have grown up and now am making better decisions for myself (and my family), she is able to give me the respect I have earned. Your parents sound (like said) that maybe they haven't reached that.

I do not know your personal story, but I wish you the best of luck with dealing with things. You sound like you are a great mother, and that is what matters the most.

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Re: can you see the steam coming out of my ears?

Post by BeachyBum on Fri Jul 25, 2008 6:51 am

Tara,

You know that quote from Einstein 'Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. '

You've went round and round with them, putting your foot down and it ends in a fight.

What I would do at this point is sit down with your parents, (no distractions) and tell them how it makes you feel when they disregard your wishes. Tell them what you felt as a kid, tell them how you feel now if you struggle with weight. Tell them how it makes you feel when you're disrespected. (You know Mom, it makes me feel as though you don't trust me as a parent, and it hurts my heart to think my feelings are no concern to you). The heavy stuff. I think it's easier to ignore someone's requests or views when you know that each time you do that, you're causing them emotional pain. Once you've brought your feelings into the mix, it's ALL on the table. Oh, and talk to them about the things your daughter loves about them and doing with them, and remind them that they are loved because of those things, not because of the food. Food has been used in this country as a reward system unknowingly forever. I use it with myself a lot (emotional eater).

If they continue to act this way after you've told them how it truly makes you feel, then I'd change the situation. By this point, your parents have had it all laid out on the table and then it's their action that will cause the consequence.

I'd certainly allow them to see your daughter still, but maybe plan times when she's already eaten, or plan activites that incluse you and your family with them, so they can see you control the situation.

Anyway, just my thoughts .... it's a tough situation all around and I'm sorry you have to be dealing with it Sad

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Re: can you see the steam coming out of my ears?

Post by aurora04 on Fri Jul 25, 2008 7:17 am

I haven't read all the replies yet (I'm in a bit of a rush trying to get the kids and myself ready to leave the house in 20 minutes, LOL).

Both sets of Grandparents spoil my kids. I learned to deal with it for the majority of the time, BUT they all have to follow our main rules regardless. My inlaws are no longer allowed to install the carseats (they think as long as it's anchored in the back it's fine, and the rest of the carseat can slide around, tip on it's side, etc...). If they want to go anywhere, then we install the carseats. Sometimes that's a PIA, but we do it because we know they won't. If they are being punished by having no treats, that same punishment goes at the Grandparents house. My inlaws FINALLY started following that one without a fight. It took DH blowing up at MIL for them to do it. Now they ask us before they allow the kids to have anything (unless of course we're not there, then it's a free for all unless we tell them otherwise).

I have everyone following my car seat rules now. My little sister takes Ceilidh to Bible Camp, and on Wednesday my mother had to work so they had to walk to her work (5 minute walk max). Several people said just to strap her in and they would drive them down since it's "just to the store". My sister politely told them that I would kill her, and since it's "just to the store" they could walk. I've trained her well. My father on the other hand doesn't quite understand the whole car seat thing, but my little sister reminds him who his other daughter is and my views on car seats. LOL. My MIL is now wanting Ceilidh in a booster because none of Ceilidh's friends are in car seats anymore. I politely (or maybe not so politely) told her that a lot of her friends drive in the front seat with no booster and should I allow that as well? I got no comment on that one. She has since given up talking to me about it. I want the 5 pt harness booster seat for her, and MIL wants her to have a normal highback booster. She is still 5 lbs too light for one of those, but "that's close enough" apparently. LOL

WOW, that took a lot longer to type than I was expecting. Now I have 10 minutes. LOL

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Re: can you see the steam coming out of my ears?

Post by Scar on Fri Jul 25, 2008 7:19 am

Tara, I REALLY want to weigh in on this because I'm in the unique position of being both Mommy & Grammy at the same time, I just woke up and my "word skills" are still are asleep.
I'll be back

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Re: can you see the steam coming out of my ears?

Post by edbson on Fri Jul 25, 2008 9:25 am

I have not read all the replies, and I am like Scar and my word skills are still asleep, but I will give it a shot.
Here is what I did when having the EXACT same problems with MIL, and oldest DD. I said " You cannot follow my rules, then she cannot visit," . Period, end of discussion. I told her she was more then welcome to visit DD here, or with us present, but she was no longer to take her anywhere alone, since it was unsafe and all.

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